“I’m a little bit OCD” – Its a sentence many of us use when we’re talking to friends about our need to tidy up and make our homes or schedules neat and tidy. If I told you I have OCD, you might think I overdo the cleaning and dusting and maybe have a few too many perfect drawers in my kitchen. Perhaps I like my library of books neatly lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order, or I want everything to look perfect – “I must be a bit OCD”. But what does OCD really mean? And is it more than a simple need to be tidy?
What is OCD?
OCD, short for Obsessive Compulsory Disorder, is a mental health condition which takes on many forms. At its core it’s formed of two halves: thoughts and compulsions. For people with the condition they suffer terrible repetitive thoughts, which make them anxious and worried about their own safety or someone else’s. After these never ending and intrusive thoughts, sufferers have compulsions to do things, to perform actions to help alleviate their anxiety and to make things better. But these actions don’t alleviate their symptoms for long and the same action usually needs to be repeated over and over again until it becomes obsessive and unnatural.
Some OCD sufferers want to keep things in neat rows, some feel the need to count things, while others need to switch lights on and off many times, whatever from it takes one of the most common type of OCD, the type that most people will joke about is to do with cleaning. It’s more than a simple need to be tidy or a need to wash your hands a lot to feel clean. For people with this form of OCD, it can be a debilitating illness.
Rather than calling it ‘cleaning OCD’ it’s often referred to as ‘contamination OCD’. There’s a very real fear that people feel, a fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt. It’s irrational but that doesn’t stop the mind imagining the worst. For some they feel as if they will get sick if they touch something unclean, for others they just feel dirty, a disgusting feeling that’s often only remedied by washing their whole bodies and cleaning or getting rid of any dirty objects they touch. Contamination OCD is one of many forms of OCD and it’s a truly debilitating condition when at it’s worst. I know it is…because I’ve been there, I have it.
My bubble, my haven
I don’t know what triggered my own OCD to begin, but I do remember when it happened. It was quite some time ago, I was in college, studying to get into university. I slowly started to develop a need to be extra clean, perhaps it was the very germy atmosphere of my history lessons (I remember someone sneezing right in front of me), or maybe something else related to my diabetes (which I’ll discuss in future) but whatever it was I felt extremely unclean when I came home from college. It would start with simple things like having a full and long hot bath after every study day, then, over time, it slowly became something more. I became more and more paranoid about how clean things were and I started to form a bubble around my life.
Inside my bubble I was safe, things were clean and I felt happy. Outside of my bubble, things were less clean, and somehow that just felt ‘Urgh!’ I never felt terrified of germs, I never felt I would get sick, but I just didn’t want that dirt anywhere near me, and somehow the bubble got more dense and I felt myself getting distant from the things I once loved to do. Being clean was more important than doing something ‘dirty’, and I nothing in my brain would tell me to think the opposite. I would spend more and more of my time alone, isolated by my own doing. It felt good to be clean, to be in my bubble to be safe.
But the bubble isn’t life and I knew that. I knew that life was passing me by. I knew that I had to do something to get out of my bubble but doing so was hard. And although I’m in a better place now, the potential to go back into the bubble is real and sometimes very big!*
Mental torture
The reason OCD can be so painful and so debilitating is the torture it imposes on your mind. It doesn’t matter what kind of OCD a person has, whether it’s a need to turn light switches on and off, a need to count or touch things, whether it’s a need to eat certain foods or a need to be clean and free from dirt and germs. The same mental self-torture happens in the mind and every sufferer knows that it’s irrational and wrong. But the mind is a tricky and powerful organ and it’s so hard to stop worrying and doing compulsive actions.
If you’ve never had any form of OCD then imagine a scenario that could happen to me, and what could happen in my own head: Imagine getting splashed by some mud. You’d have an unclean outfit maybe but no big deal right? But the OCD mind works differently. First you’d wonder if the mud was contaminated with germs, maybe with faecal bacteria…Then you’d wonder how to remove the mud without touching it…Then you’d try to clean it off but you have no gloves so now you’re worried about touching your outfit at all. Still you manage to clean it with wipes or a cloth but is the outfit really clean?…Just to be sure you’d take it off (hopefully getting into another outfit) and get rid of it…Washing isn’t enough so you’d throw the outfit away…But now your hands are dirty…You’ve washed them since throwing away the outfit but what if you didn’t wash under each nail?… and then you scratched your nose…Now your nose is dirty with bacteria as well as your fingernails….And what about the new clothes you just put on…Did you make them dirty by touching them with dirty fingernails???…
This is just one example of a scenario featuring someone with OCD, in other cases, people might feel scared that their loved ones will get sick or even die if they don’t do something the right way.
It’s possible to torture yourself into all these imaginary scenarios, the only difference between the mind of someone without this condition and that of someone suffering OCD is that the OCD sufferer really feels the fear of what I’ve just described. It sounds daft, it sounds stupid but to a sufferer, like me, it is very real! Of course my rational mind knows it’s ridiculous, and of course I know it’s not going to harm me to be around ‘unclean/germy’ areas. But the relief of feeing ‘clean’ is still a big reason for the compulsion to clean.
There is hope
OCD is a very complex illness. People can get better and do, but for many it’s a condition that you have to work at to keep at bay. Today I am in a better place than I used to be. I’m better able to function at things. I’m not as paranoid as I once was…But whenever times are hard, whenever anxiety flares up, whenever life is hard, like it has been these last few months,…there’s always a temptation to return to old habits, and it’s often a mental challenge, a great mental battle to resist them…to not go back there. Every time I manage to resist I can’t help but feel proud of how I’m coping. But it doesn’t mean I always cope, and sometimes I don’t and I spend too long thinking, too long doing compulsive acts…Every day a challenge…
So next time you hear someone saying, or indeed you yourself want to utter the words “I’m a little bit OCD”, think about that comment a little more…Are you really OCD? Or are we as a society a little too flippant in the way we use that term?
* My experience above is a small introduction into what my world of OCD is like. I didn’t go into much detail, though I may do in future posts depending on how well this one is received.
– This post was inspired and adapted from a previous post I published online in May 2018 (original no longer available online)
Do you have any experience of OCD? Do you think we overuse the term ‘OCD’? Are there any other forms of mental health condition you suffer from? Let me know what you think in the comments below 🙂
This is so well written and you are so right! You wouldn’t use a term like ;I am feeling a little bit cancerous today’ so why does mental health always take a back seat or feel like it’s the butt of a joke. Words matter, they can dimninsih what is a very real and distressing condition. Thank you for raising awareness of this.
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting. You’re right, we don’t feel a bit cancerous, if we said that someone would think us weird, yet mental health still has a stigma although it’s good to see more people in the world are open to talking about it😊😊
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I love this post. You know how to describe having a mental illness very well and go into so much vivid detail. Well done. I myself, despite having mental health issues, do not have OCD so I learned a little bit on the horrors of it from this. It is very real and by no means is a joke. Just as with having any mental illness. And despite these illnesses being invisible, they are (to me) just as serious as having a physical/visible one.
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Thank you. Yes, mental illnesses aren’t any less serious, in fact because they are hidden I believe they can be far worse and more damaging than physical ones, especially as with physical illnesses, people often see it and understand and try to help. Hidden illnesses/disabilities get pushed to the side and there’s so much mis-information and lack of understanding.
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Exactly! Completely agree
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Thanks for sharing! I don’t think people should say they are OCD about something just to mean they like things to be clean etc.
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People often say they’re a bit OCD, and I’m not offended if they do, I’ve gotten used to it, but the reality of the illness can be very bad, I’m glad I’m not where I used to be 🙂
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An excellent post, Cat. I became aware of my need to count everything a few years ago and fortunately, because of my daughters’ mental health issues and my extensive reading and research, knew what it meant. I also have to perform tasks in a specific order or in a specific way. I try all the time to stop myself from the incessant counting by inserting the wrong number if I realise I’m counting or I make myself do things in a different order. I am keeping it under control to a certain extent.
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Thank you for sharing what’s been happening to you and I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself having some OCD symptoms. I think a lot people have some type of ocd, my mum always has to check the locks before going out and will go back to the house to check the front door is locked even if she’s gone quite a bit away from home. She hasn’t gotten worse though and it doesn’t have to with you either. Being aware helps and keeping yourself occupied with things you enjoy certainly can keep those thoughts and actions at bay. I think I got worse and really bad as my personal circumstances were really bad and I kind of gave up and gave in to the OCD. I’d be lying if I said I’m okay all the time, I still clean a lot and have a bedtime routine I find hard to alter. Please know you can always talk privately by email if you ever want to or worry about something ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Thank you so much, Cat ❤ ❤ ❤
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Thank you for this post, for helping share awareness of this horrible disorder. I had OCD diagnosed at 17 and I’m now 24, but I have had it far longer, as far back as I remember but I wouldn’t of known better as I had no idea of the real OCD so hadn’t realised something was wrong until then when my compulsions intensified I feel it is so so important to raise more awareness, so again thank you. I hope you are well 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂
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Thank you, yes I am well, and the OCD is not bad at the moment. Thank you so much, I hope you are better now yourself too? OCD can be so difficult yet we are trapped in it with our compulsions and it can be difficult to stop. even when we’ve gotten some help and managed to keep ocd under control certain stresses or triggers can make us worse. Thank you for commenting, I really appreciate it and you’ve made me feel better for sharing (I never know if a personal post like that will go down well ) 🙂 🙂 ❤
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I am glad you are doing well. My OCD is meh at the moment but it will pass again,I know. I am just trying to determine what the triggers are for me at the moment as it is new themes it’s like I’m learning all over again 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 I am finding it hard with the personal posts too ( it’s scary lol haha) but I feel they can be useful for others to see so trying to keep at it and I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone – Take care Xx
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Thank you ❤ Personal posts can be difficult, we put ourselves out there and we don't know how well our thoughts wil be received. But dono't worry, your posts are helping others out there, and I hope you'll see that the community here is really friendly, maybe not always on social media, but more and more people are talking about things like this and it's getting easier to do it and there's lots of wonderfully supportive people out there 🙂 🙂
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Thank you for this! I feel like people use OCD as such a throwaway comment but a small number of people actually know having the illness really consists of!
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Yes it’s such an easy thing to say, and plenty of people just say they’re a little bit OCD when they don’t understand how bad it can be for sufferers. Thank you so much for reading and commenting 🙂
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