This week is mental health awareness week (9th-15th May) and to mark the day I want to share a poem I wrote exactly five years ago for this very week.  Depression is something that many of us suffer.  To be sad and not able to function when a big event hits, like the death of a loved one which I experienced recently is understandable.  It’s normal to be sad for a time and to find it hard to do anything, but sometimes people are unable to see the happiness in life, even when they should be able to see joy, laugh or even smile.  Depression affects everyone who has it differently, and I have suffered my fair share of this horrible mental illness.  I hate to use the word illness because it suggests that there’s something wrong with you and that there’s a magic cure, but there isn’t and different people are able to cope with depression differently.  Some people take medications, others do not, some try talking with other people, while others like me prefer not to.  Sometimes people get over their depression, while for others it becomes a part of their lives and even who they are.  Depression, is just one aspect of mental health awareness week, but it has been a big part of my life even as a teenager and older child, and being able to talk about it openly and know there are others out there who can relate or be suportive really helps.

This poem was written five years ago and it’s about how I’ve felt in life sometimes.  The poem is a little more dark than my own mind, but I have had conflicting thoughts in my life, some of them very dark and sometimes I’ve felt good about my life when things have gone well, and at other times I’ve beaten myself up over failures and mistakes.  I’ve learned from my life and am not the same person I was even five years ago when this was written.  I’ve learned that no matter what your thoughts are today, they can always change and your situation can change no mater how improbable it sounds.  I’m not perfect, my life still has its fair share of downs (and ups), but I haven’t suffered that same depression I had before for some time now.  I’ve been sad about the passing of family members, but I’ve been in a better place mentally, and no matter how hard you may be struggling, there are people there for you, you can talk to even me. ❤

I hope you like the poem and I hope in some way maybe it can help someone relate.  Even though it’s not the most positive of poems (in fact it gets quite dark in parts), it’s a good reflection on what many probably feel at some point in their lives.  Wishing you all a good #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek and week in general 🙂 ❤

Is This the Final Goodbye?

©The Strawberry Post

It began with something simple,
Small piece of heart dissolved.
No more than a word spoken,
Caused pain unresolved.

Every time I try to fix it,
Tell myself I’m better now.
Pretend it didn’t matter,
Get on with life somehow.

But lying will not help it,
The pain it will come back.
The world will turn from colour,
To simple shade of black.

Cannot lift the curtain,
There is no quick release.
All thoughts return to one thing,
My life I wish to cease.

Mistakes I’ve made appear,
Things done and not all plague,
My thoughts all turn to misery,
Good things seem only vague.

I want this pain to end,
To be the final time.
Don’t want to feel this way again,
Do I sink or do I climb?

Just want it all to finish,
Don’t want a life, be dead.
Imagine all the ways,
My body spread in red.

But small as it is, a part of me,
Can’t let go, wants to holds on.
A truth burried deep inside of me,
Don’t wish to really be gone.

Just want the pain to vanish,
Want a new life, things done right.
So despite the pain I hold on,
I choose to stay and fight.

Hate myself each time I fail,
Feel proud when I’m doing well.
Battle is my own though,
Nobody else can tell.

So now I try to be happy,
To everyone I smile.
But scared the pain will be back,
That I’ll start to taste the bile.

-Poem first appeared online May 2017 – now republished here.

What do you think of this poem?  Are you doing anything for mental health awareness week?  Letme know what you think in the comments below 🙂